I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized