[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Comparing yourself to others
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.