Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
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Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.