[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“That’s what” – She
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.