her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.