7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.