[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
So glad we cleared that up
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
This kid is going places
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
mariah carrie
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood