My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
All. The. Damn. Time.
reviewed some movies recently
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then