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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I don’t know what to do