GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever