If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Heroic Misunderstanding
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though