Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
got so much cardio in today
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision