Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no