I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?