“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Dead sexy!!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!