Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
White parent Vs Arab parents
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Mission: Impossible
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.