I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?