I’m ready for Halloween this year
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?