*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1