That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
There’s always that one guy
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.