If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
May never get over this
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.