Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?