I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder