“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
New comic up. “Ransom”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Body by Oreos