Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.