Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
A drum solo but on your face.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
You sure about that?