I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.