We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.