I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
2022 will be better than 2021
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt