I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.