Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
seems like a niche market
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up