Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me in tagged photos
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.