Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Just parrot things
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
WHO DID THIS?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.