There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You Might Also Like
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
We are the people our parents warned us about.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
no regrets
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.