You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
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that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.