I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*