If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
#Caturday
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA