them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.