Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
😩😩😩
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!