Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two