I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are