Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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Jail
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!