“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Why is everyone getting married at me
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.