I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”