Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Can Happiness buy money?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Name another movie that mislead you?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover