Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
You Might Also Like
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Hit me in the face with a bird
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back