Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My five year plan is a meteorite
The glockness monster
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
#polloftheday
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year