First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.