It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie