One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Love is always patient and kind.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?